Broken Glass

It has come to my attention that people in general will exagerate the truth to get what they want. I know this really shouldn't surprise me...but the situation I am about to write about is akin to telling your dentist you floss 3 times a day.  The dentist knows as soon as he looks in your mouth that you haven't flossed in three years!

A customer called yesterday to explain that he is very concerned with the glasses he and his wife received for their wedding a year ago. In the past two weeks he broke two glasses and he is very concerned for the safety of his family if these glasses are just going to break without warning. Please note that the glasses he has are not thin wine glasses. They are a heavy weight high ball glasses made by a company who produces some of the best products in the world. Short of dropping these glasses on tile or brick it is doubtful they will break without cause. So I asked him to describe what happened.

"Well, both times I took a glass out of the cupboard, put ice and then water into the glass. The glass just cracked at that point!" he explained.

Actually, he gave me a description that lasted about 15 minutes, giving me a blow by blow description of how he opened the cabinet door, put his hand on the glass, brought it down to the counter, went to the freezer and got out an ice tray, they don't have an ice maker so he had to remove the tray and then twist it to loosen the ice, he then took 5 ice cubes out, one at a time....well you get the idea. I was unable to get a word in edgewise.

Now there is an old adage that the customer is always right, and this is true....except when he is wrong. I explained that we have not had this problem with these glasses. I further explained that with these glasses it is highly unlikely that they would break like that unless the glass was hot when the ice was put into it, but I would be happy to exchange them once he brought back the broken ones. That's when he hit me with what he thought was a bombshell.

"I AM A LAWYER! And I have handled numerous tort cases and I am very concerned with safety issues. This is definately a safety issue that should be addressed before someone, perhaps a child, becomes seriously injured or maimed!" he ranted. "This is poor workmanship, I will file suit against your store and the manufacturer!"

This illicited an eye-roll from me. Now I don't have anything against lawyers. I have several friends that are lawyers, I myself trained as a paralegal. I like lawyers, I've used lawyers, hell I even worked for lawyers, but a lawyer that is a blowhard is just a jackass! And getting all huffy and self-righteous will get you nowhere!

"Sir, if you are that concerned with the safety of your family with these glasses, I suggest you pack them all up and return them to the store for a refund" I suggested.

"I live an hour away, and being a lawyer my time is very valuable! I bill out at $150 an hour. Are you going to pay for my time to drive there, park, walk up to your department, waste my time repeating this story to you, and then a manager, and then the store manager, (because I know I will not get any satisfaction from you or your manager) and then drive home?"

"Not a problem, sir. You can take them to your local post office or UPS store and ship them back. Once received we will issue you a credit for the glasses, and as a courtsey I will also refund you the cost of the shipping."

"NO! I just want you to send me two new glasses! I don't want to ship, or bring, the broken ones back into the store. I am a lawyer and I will pursue this further! Where is the store manager?"

"Sir, please calm down, I am sending you the glasses. But any further breakage will need to be returned to the store."

"FINE, when will they be mailed out?"

"They will go out tomorrow via UPS."

"And when can I expect to get them?"

Anyone familiar with shipping UPS is aware that it can take 7 to 10 business days for your package to be delivered.

"You should have them in a day or two."

"Honestly Doc, I floss at least 3 times a day!"

Post Script: To my lawyer friends....this is not the story of a lawyer....this is the story of a jackass who happens to practice law. I hope you have not been offended.

Tragedy Strikes In The Blink Of An Eye

Those of you who have read my blogs know that I try to make light of day to day life. I'm going to stray from that format and pray that you pass this along to friends and family.


On Friday April 15th, a family from Dudley MA, experienced an unspeakable tragedy. Their four year old son ran toward an escalator, grabbed the moving handrail and was pulled up and somehow became lodged between the escalator and a plexiglass barrier. He then fell 18 feet onto a jewelry counter below. He lost his fight for life the next day. All in the blink of an eye.


Escalators are not toys. I have witnessed some of the most ridiculous and dangerous behavior on and around escalators. A few weeks ago a woman, with two children on foot and one in a stroller, came up the escalator. As she neared the top she lost her footing and nearly fell backward down the moving steps. I have seen parents showing their children how fun it is to walk down the up escalator, and vice versa. I have seen parents become so engrossed in doing their shopping that they forget all about their children, and these unattended children amuse themselves around the escalators. I have seen elderly people lose their balance and fall because they don't feel as if they need to hold onto the handrail. I have seen elderly people with walkers and canes attempt to use the escalator. I have seen able bodied shoppers bogged down with bags of newly purchased goods get on the escalator and slip.


I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that 99.9% of multilevel shopping malls and department stores are equipped with elevators. And while they tend to be tucked away in a corner, making it necessary to walk a bit more, use them, they could save a life.


And parents, your children are more precious then that gift you need to buy, watch them. Keep their hand in yours and don't let them out of your sight. Any number of horrors can happen to unattended children. Tragedy can strike, your life can forever change, all in the blink of an eye.

I missed the sale.....

The retail store I work in just finished it's biggest sale of the season. Our clients were sent invitations three weeks in advance of the event. All sales associates called their clients a week before the sale to remind them of the sale and, seven days in advance, they could "pre-order" anything they might need. The sale itself was five days.

And yet, nearly two weeks after the sale I had a customer walk in and requested we honor the sale price and the additional 20% for the event. Really?

"I am so sorry, I know the sale is over, but could you, would you please honor the sale pricing?" she asked.

"No, I'm sorry. Those prices are no longer in effect. But we have a sale coming up next week and I can help you with that." I replied.

"No, I don't want to wait until next week's sale. Please? My car ran out of gas and I couldn't get out here in time for the sale." she continued.

"I really am very sorry, but in the future please know that you can always call us and order anything you need over the phone, and we can pre-sell up to seven days in advance."

"But you don't understand," she whimpered, "my cell phone died and we didn't have any electricity because a tree blew over and shorted the entire neighborhood! And to top it off we contracted some kind of bacterial disease that required the CDC to quarantine the entire house hold. So you see, an exception should really be made in my case."

"I'm really very sorry, but there is nothing I can do."

At this point she started flexing her shopping muscles, I saw the twinkle in her eye and knew what was coming next.

"Would you please call a manager?" she asked.

UGH! "Just one moment please and I will have a manager here for you."

The manager arrived and the customer went through the same explaination she did with me. I was standing there, waiting for the vindication I knew was mine. I would be waiting a long time.

"Certainly" she stated, "I would be happy to honor those prices for you."

That evening I went into the grocery store to purchase crab legs. Approaching the seafood counter I noticed that they were no longer on sale.

"Please Mr. Seafood Worker, I missed the sale because of fallen trees, no electric, CDC diseases, no gas, no cell phone, no life....please would you honor yesterdays pricing?"

Considering he was doubled over in laughter at the explanation I thought I would get away with it.

"Nope! Sale was over yesterday!" he hooted. 

"Okay, I'll take three pounds."

Baby Weight

It has been so many years since I was at my fighting weight. But twenty-seven years and two children later I am now what I would like to classify as a "BBW" (Big, Beautiful Woman). I try to get to the gym for water aerobics as often as possible and it helps, but my penchant for rich food negates most of the excercise.

I remember being in the locker room of those fancy chain fitness centers about ten years ago, in my sweats, debating whether to chance a shower there or head home where I knew I wouldn't contract any kind of fungal disease. In walked two women who looked like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine.  They had just finished their work out but weren't even sweating.

"I am having such a hard time shedding all this baby weight," stated one of the women.

"Me too," said the other one, "it has been 5 months and I can't seem to get rid of the last five pounds!"

Combined they couldn't have weighed 200 pounds. I knew I had to say something.

"I know what you mean, I have been having the same problem." I interjected.

"How old is your baby?" they asked in unison.

"Sixteen years old next week!" I exclaimed, doubling over in waves of laughter. 


I've seen more expression on a brick wall! I picked up my change of cloths and went home.

Are you sure?

I work in retail sales in a high end department store. The other day I had a customer ask if we carried draperies.  "No, I'm sorry, we don't." "You don't? Really?" "No, we don't. But you can try ABC Department store." "But YOU don't carry them?" "No, I am really sorry but we don't." "You sure?" "No, I'm not sure, I've been working here for only 5 years and not completely familiar with what we carry. But if you can wait a minute I will page a manager, maybe they would know." "Ok, thanks!" 

The area I work in is directly off the escalator. At the top of the escalator there is a pillar with an arrow pointing to the restrooms. As customers arrive at the top, they look at the sign and then take several steps in that direction. They stop, look at me with confusion and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" "Keep going that way and take the first left." You would think that would be the end of it.  But no....they take a step or two more and look at me again. Pointing they say "That way? Through the doors?" Which I find amusing as I am sure I would have said "That way, through the doors." Or they question "Really, you're sure?" "Nope, just joking!"

I was grocery shopping the other day and I thought I would look for Basket Cheese for my dad.  Basket Cheese is seasonal and only available in the spring around Easter time. I went up to the cheese counter and asked if they had basket cheese. The person behind the counter replied "No, I'm sorry, we don't." "Are you sure?" "Nope, not sure but if you can wait a minute...."

I guess skepticism is part of human nature! 

Too Much Information

I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac. A sudden pain anywhere and I begin to plan my funeral. The other day I experienced a very severe pain in my head. Not a headache, but an intensely sharp, nearly blinding pain. I knew, as sure as I was standing there, that I had a ruptured aneurism! I stared at myself in the mirror waiting to see blood seep from my eyes, ears and nose. Then just as quickly the pain stopped. And it has been 2 days and I am still here. False alarm.


Given that fact, it amazes me that I am not overly concerned with germs.  I don't use the wipes provided by the grocery stores to clean off the shopping cart handles.  I don't use disinfectant sprays on the telephone after it has been used by someone else. Hell, I don't even reach for the alcohol based, antibacterial, no water needed hand sanitizer after shaking someones hand! I know what you're thinking...."She's a gal that likes to live on the edge!"


However, I don't want to discuss germs, especially somebody else's. 


A simple "How are you?" no longer receives "Fine thanks, and you?" as a response. I asked this of a customer the other day, a person that I don't know, and was told that this was the first day in three weeks that she has not thrown up. REALLY? Did I want to know this? Did I need to know this? As I stood there dumbfounded she continued...."It started with me, I brought home a germ and haven't been able to keep anything down since. I gave it to my husband who is still unable to go ten minutes without vomiting! He in turn gave it to our children. Not only have they been tossing their cookies but they have diarrhea too! And the twins are still in diapers...what a mess!" 


Keep in mind that this woman is standing a mere foot or so from me, breathing on me. I could feel the germs entering my body with every word she spoke. I couldn't think of anything but the possible incubation period of this dreaded disease, and will my doctor order me anti-emetics over the phone.


We concluded our business and I sent her on her way. 


It has been a week since then and how am I? Haven't up-chucked yet but I am sure I have kidney stones!

Perfume and Elevators

In my late teens early 20's I wore perfume, but even at that young age I was aware that a little goes a long way. And body chemistry plays a role in the offensiveness of the aroma. My grandmother explained that perfume should only be applied to the pulse points, i.e. the neck, wrist, inner elbow and behind the knee. Only the smallest of dabs was enough, and smelling your own perfume after fifteen minutes meant it was the wrong scent for you. I always heeded her words and I'm sorry not all women had been given this essential piece of advice.


The other day, at work, I was in the elevator when the scent of one of my co-workers arrived before the doors opened to allow her entry.  Within seconds my eyes started to burn and my nose started to run. I began to cough and sputter. I grabbed a tissue out of my bag and brought it to my face, hoping it would act as a gas mask. It didn't seem to help, the damage had been done, I thought I was going to keel over!


"Are you okay?" she asked. Gasping for my next breath, I replied "It must be something in the air". 


Was this well dressed, seemingly sophisticated woman totally unaware of the obtrusiveness of her perfume? And more to the point, just what was she trying to cover up? Had she been at a "sleep over" and run out of time to shower and figured diving into a vat of  horribly scented au d'toilet would mask her indiscretion? I didn't think I could escape fast enough! 


Ding....2nd floor. The doors opened an another passenger stepped in. As the doors closed I noticed she was reaching into her bag to pull out a tissue.


Ding....3rd floor. My stop, I stumbled out of the elevator, drawing in the fresh air as if my life depended on it, and I believe it did!


"Mind if I walk with you?" asked Ms. Well Dressed.  It's gonna be one of those days!